I must admit that I love Webbie’s song “Independent.” So much so that on the morning trek to my daily grind, I can be caught riding dirty down MLK, snapping and singing along very loudly with my right index finger in the air waving…”I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS…SHE GOT HER OWN HOUSE…SHE GOT HER OWN CAR…”
Independence is a beautiful thing for a couple reasons. 1.) Most of our mothers raised us with the idea that we need to be self-sufficient women that are able to hold our own in this world and 2.) There is innate beauty in ownership. Not only are we doing it for our mamas; we’re doing it for ourselves. Ownership transcends material things. Ownership also means that we are accountable for our own journeys down the path of infinite possibilities.
I truly love being mentored and surrounded by successful Black women for so many reasons. Lawd I’m about to go bell hooks on yall right quick.
And I don’t want to get heavy on that tip right now because the issue isn’t independence, its actually what some women forego in order to be independent, more specifically relationships.
What’s that saying, “You’ve got to pay the cost to be the boss…”
I don’t know why this just popped into my head, but I can hear Erykah Badu singing…”Booty”
“…Ya got the beans and rice and the hot ho cakes
But ya nigga still over here in my plate
I don’t want him
Ya got a PHD, Magna Cum Laude
But ya nigga love me with a GED
I don’t want him
You the one with all the money
And he knows my money’s funny
But I don’t want him…
….Got ya pad all decked out fa sho
But ya niggas at my door, though
I don’t want him…
….Ya know the whole 120 + degree
But you can’t keep ya guy up off his knees
I don’t want him
Got a 9-5 and a 6-10
But ya nigga told me not to work again
I don’t want him…”
I can’t figure out if its that men are actually intimidated by independent and successful women or if its an issue of needing to feel needed. Whatever it is, I just don’t get it. Especially since I want an independent man. I know one too many successful, beautiful women that want to be in relationships that are single. And as a result, they are readjusting their non-negotiables for the sake of finding someone to share their lives with.
It’s all fairly interesting…the Catch 22 that young independent, successful Black women face….damned if she does and damned if she don’t. Considering that a lot of men state that they like aggressive women….can I assume that men like aggressive women that know their “place”? Or should I say “role.”
Yes there are some of us that wear our independence like armor; we don it like we’re marching off to a battlefield, but yo it ain’t easy out here for sistas. Not only our we proving our worth as Black people, we’re proving ourselves as Black women in a capitalist society. There’s no protection of patriarchy, race, or class for us. So yo, if I leave my house looking like the Black knight…its for a damn good reason.
But just because I have mine, does not mean…we can’t build “ours”. “She” can become “we.”
This dude I know once told me, I don’t know how to let a man be a man. Quite frankily if your manhood comes at the expense of who I am in general, regardless of independence or co-dependence, I’m not feeling it. I know what things in my life I’m not willing to compromise on right now…and If love is a compromise than we need be partners in its creation. I’m not going to rub your face in what I have, but I’m also not going to act like I can’t be without you, since I know that I work my ass off for all that I do have.
I’ve had a situation that could have been so beautiful and so right, crash and burn because the young man was not comfortable with my drive or ambition. He saw it as me challenging him, and in retrospect I feel bad for him because ego and pride are a helluva drug and they will rob you blind and leave you stranded if you are not careful. What he saw as me challenging him, was me wanting better for the both of us. I however don’t live in the past and I damn sure don’t live in regret…lol.
Or maybe…I just didn’t know my role…
To be continued…
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4 Responses to “Independence: The Ultimate Catch 22”
I’ve been saying this all along…I ran into a young woman in the mall today who said something about not wanting to get married because she was too independent…I just think its sad. Being married and being independent are not mutually exclusive. Once you become one with a person, do you care about this pride of being independent? Women should pride themselves in being able to allow a man in their worlds, while taking care of their business. I have more to say, but I’ll leave it for Wednesday’s edition…
Independent Women Beware! Like many of you I have my own house, car, 401K, 403B, vacation funds, and don’t need a co-signer for your average loan. However, not for one minute do I ever confuse my financial stability with emotional fulfilment. And part of that emotional fulfilment involves a little role playing (ouch! I feel those rocks coming - LOL)
Yes, I can open my own car door, but I certainly like it when he does it. Yes, I can change my own oil, but it turns me on to see him under that hood atleast acting like he knows what he’s doing in his quest to take care of me. And sure, I can pay for my own hair to get “did”, but it feels nice to know that he took care of it.
And I want him to know that this independent woman, doesn’t mind fixin his plate, helping with yard, and letting him know that I want his approval. In fact, I need to know that he is proud of me in both my career quest and my quest to nail that macaroni and cheese he loves.
Let’s face it! It’s not just our independence that scares these men off, but rather the ” I don’t need you attitude” that sends them to the seemingly less credentialled girls that Eryka sings about.
Maybe we should be tuning in to Ms. Patty when she says, “Baby I love you, I want you, I need you . . .” And let’s be real girls, we know a little role playing can set some things on fire!
I am a independent woman, I have my own house, car, bank account, and take care of my child, however like Mary J B said, “I’m tired of screaming INDEPENDENT” on your way home stop and buy me a purse, some shoes, I know I can do all these things but it makes me feel like your woman”. Women out there, we know from birth that our mothers have raised us to be strong, but like Stephine said, ain’t nothing wrong with a little bit of role playing! Besides, when your man needs you to be strong he knows you got his back and together its a beautiful thing if you allow it to be. So let him fix something you broke (on purpose), let him open that car door, make dinner decisions, ie. choosing the resturant, meals (if he really knows what you like to eat) if not try something new. Its all in your delivery ladies, I learnt this from older woman whose very independent but still have them chasin her.
Your blog is interesting!
Keep up the good work!
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